Vampire baby speaks

By Lucianne Poole


Suitable vampire baby sleeping arrangements.

"I'd like to set the record straight," declared vampire baby in his first wide-ranging interview, which he would only grant on the condition that I, who gave him fictional life, play a game of Monopoly (U.K. version) with him.

The newborn became a local cause célèbre after being found on a Fort Lauderdale beach following a Vampire spring break.

A regular bouncing baby

"I mean, I'm no different to any other kid," confided the six-week-old who looks more like a four-year-old. "I eat, sleep, speak several languages and trampoline with world champions. I don't know why reporters are lined up at my foster parents' door," he complained while gnawing on the custom-made marble game pieces.

The name game

"Apart from the ridiculous name I've been given, I'm perfectly normal. But seriously, who calls their son Gaius Julius?"

Vampire baby paused to swig from a bottle containing an unidentified red fluid, and then asked me what I thought of the name Jay.

Meet the parents

"Don't get me wrong. My foster parents, Tiny [Justinian Rex] and T. Rex [Theodora Rex], have been great. They even sent home to the family crypt in Italy for my very own child-sized sarcophagus. I have to say, though, T. Rex has this crazy grip like a WWE wrestler."

Trouble in paradise

The interview took a slight downturn when I bought up the two most expensive Monopoly properties. Gaius Julius' face turned a violent shade of purple and his eyes took on a murderous light.

He pounced, razor-sharp teeth bared. Fortunately, a long-fingered elegant hand clamped around his throat before he could reach me.

"Nap time!" trilled Theodora.

Neither of us argued with her.


Any questions for vampire baby? Leave them here. He is mildly curious about humans and may condescend to answer them (or not). I apologise in advance for his bad manners.