Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Guest blog by fictional vampire baby behind "bars"

By Gaius Julius Rex
Stick-figure sketch of a vampire baby and teddy bear behind bars.

Greetings humans, fellow supernatural beings and Mr. Coyote,

The human blogger, Lucianne Poole, asked me to guest blog for her for the rest of the summer. It's not clear why she needs time off, except for the usual feeble human excuse of summer vacation.

My unforseen incarceration

I was going to write something earlier but I have been "jailed".

This is due to a misunderstanding of the nature of Independence Day (aka Fourth of July) celebrations, specifically the "firework" displays in my neighbourhood of Fort Lauderdale. I was unfamiliar with the sounds of destruction that accompany this holiday. I mistook screams of delight for those of terror.

Unfortunately, these sounds triggered a instinctive reaction in me that was unforeseen by my foster parents and Nate, the human with whom I was playing Monopoly at that specific time.

My new babysitter/jailer

Since then, my foster mother, Theodora Rex (aka T. Rex) banned me from playing Monopoly and has engaged a fictional sitter called Madame Defarge. She speaks only French (no, not even Latin or ancient Greek), knits incessantly and cackles at inappropriate times (such as when I complete a New York Times crossword puzzle: my new hobby).

Mme Defarge also trims my talons, I mean finger nails, too short so they no longer make interesting clicky sounds. Her only redeeming quality is that she lets my cat, Gengis Khan, relieve himself on my parents priceless Persian carpet.

Life behind bars

T. Rex has sent me for baby massage therapy to calm my "murderous impulses". I strenuously resist but Mme Defarge has an iron grip like T. Rex. She pummels me with such sledge hammer-like force that I am reluctantly lulled to sleep.

In effect, she has become my jailer, so I thought I would use this blog to start a petition to free me (There are currently no websites for fictional petitions).

Please leave your name in the comment below and also indicate if you are interested in playing a fictional game of Monopoly when I am declared no longer "life-threatening".

This is the end of my blog.