Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Non-Halloween edition by a fictional vampire baby

This is not me.
By Gaius Julius Rex

Yes, I am back. The human blogger Lucianne Poole "felt it was a propos" for me to write the Halloween edition. As this is a human celebration, I naturally refused: hence the non-Halloween edition.

Please note that I am using numbered bullets.

1. Madame Desfarges was fired from her job as a greeter. Screams of "Off with your heads!" in a heavy French accent apparently did not delight the shoppers where she worked as a greeter.

2. I have hired Madame to help me search for my birth mother. As I do not have money to pay her, Madame said she would accept headless dolls in lieu of payment. My lawyer advised me not to ask her why.

3. While looking for said headless dolls in the park, I met Doug who offered to read my tarot cards. Doug is an unemployed fisherman from Newfoundland who has a sideline in tarot card reading.

4. Doug immediately identified me as undead but he said he is not fussy and that he is a fan of Twilight and that he would give me a free reading.

5. Doug told me I would find what I was looking for in a local coffee shop on November 1, 2013.

6. Meanwhile, Madame agreed to go trick or treating with me. Of course, we will dress up. I will go as a zombie Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper (suit, tie. grey men's wig and no makeup).

7. I am feeling strangely affectionate towards humans these days. It could be because my Facebook following has grown to 2 million. (This is a fictional Facebook page so do not bother trying to find it.)

This is the end of my blog.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Guest blog by fictional vampire baby: the search begins

By Gaius Julius Rex

A sketch of a vampire baby riding a tricycle next to a cat.
Dear human readers and fellow supernatural beings,

The human blogger, Lucianne Poole, has asked me to continue with my posts. Apparently, millions of readers follow my posts avidly, so I graciously agreed to prop up her feeble human blog for a bit longer. (She has also promised me a role in her next novel).

Free at last
I thank the thousands of you who signed my petition to release me from the clutches of my fictional jailer, Madame Defarge. (FYI my petition was fictional, which explains why you will never find any names.)

Thankfully, my foster mom, T. Rex, was persuaded that I did not need said babysitter, and she got Madame a job as a greeter at a chain store.

Silver linings
Once freed, I naturally turned to a project that was occupying my thoughts while I was in the "slammer". You will never guess, human reader, what this project is so I will tell you. I was inspired by Madame's favourite TV show, Who do you think you are, to track down my birth mother.

Of course, I assume my birth mother is a) a world-champion trampoliner b) an outstanding Monopoly player.

So I jumped on my tricycle (my faithful cat Gengis Khan at my side) and raced up and down the sidewalk on Las Olas Boulevard. I asked everyone whom we  hit/knocked down if they knew my mother.

All I got was:
  • a $5 bill;
  • a pamphlet about Latter Day Saints, and
  • two lectures about: a) leashing cats  b) staying away from drugs. The last lecture was inappropriate as I was only born this year during vampire spring break.
Not a cry for help
If you have ever searched for your vampire mother after she abandoned you on a beach, please share your advice and lessons learned. I eagerly await your reply.

This is the end of my blog.