Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Non-Halloween edition by a fictional vampire baby

This is not me.
By Gaius Julius Rex

Yes, I am back. The human blogger Lucianne Poole "felt it was a propos" for me to write the Halloween edition. As this is a human celebration, I naturally refused: hence the non-Halloween edition.

Please note that I am using numbered bullets.

1. Madame Desfarges was fired from her job as a greeter. Screams of "Off with your heads!" in a heavy French accent apparently did not delight the shoppers where she worked as a greeter.

2. I have hired Madame to help me search for my birth mother. As I do not have money to pay her, Madame said she would accept headless dolls in lieu of payment. My lawyer advised me not to ask her why.

3. While looking for said headless dolls in the park, I met Doug who offered to read my tarot cards. Doug is an unemployed fisherman from Newfoundland who has a sideline in tarot card reading.

4. Doug immediately identified me as undead but he said he is not fussy and that he is a fan of Twilight and that he would give me a free reading.

5. Doug told me I would find what I was looking for in a local coffee shop on November 1, 2013.

6. Meanwhile, Madame agreed to go trick or treating with me. Of course, we will dress up. I will go as a zombie Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper (suit, tie. grey men's wig and no makeup).

7. I am feeling strangely affectionate towards humans these days. It could be because my Facebook following has grown to 2 million. (This is a fictional Facebook page so do not bother trying to find it.)

This is the end of my blog.

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Guest blog by fictional vampire baby: the search begins

By Gaius Julius Rex

A sketch of a vampire baby riding a tricycle next to a cat.
Dear human readers and fellow supernatural beings,

The human blogger, Lucianne Poole, has asked me to continue with my posts. Apparently, millions of readers follow my posts avidly, so I graciously agreed to prop up her feeble human blog for a bit longer. (She has also promised me a role in her next novel).

Free at last
I thank the thousands of you who signed my petition to release me from the clutches of my fictional jailer, Madame Defarge. (FYI my petition was fictional, which explains why you will never find any names.)

Thankfully, my foster mom, T. Rex, was persuaded that I did not need said babysitter, and she got Madame a job as a greeter at a chain store.

Silver linings
Once freed, I naturally turned to a project that was occupying my thoughts while I was in the "slammer". You will never guess, human reader, what this project is so I will tell you. I was inspired by Madame's favourite TV show, Who do you think you are, to track down my birth mother.

Of course, I assume my birth mother is a) a world-champion trampoliner b) an outstanding Monopoly player.

So I jumped on my tricycle (my faithful cat Gengis Khan at my side) and raced up and down the sidewalk on Las Olas Boulevard. I asked everyone whom we  hit/knocked down if they knew my mother.

All I got was:
  • a $5 bill;
  • a pamphlet about Latter Day Saints, and
  • two lectures about: a) leashing cats  b) staying away from drugs. The last lecture was inappropriate as I was only born this year during vampire spring break.
Not a cry for help
If you have ever searched for your vampire mother after she abandoned you on a beach, please share your advice and lessons learned. I eagerly await your reply.

This is the end of my blog.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Guest blog by fictional vampire baby behind "bars"

By Gaius Julius Rex
Stick-figure sketch of a vampire baby and teddy bear behind bars.

Greetings humans, fellow supernatural beings and Mr. Coyote,

The human blogger, Lucianne Poole, asked me to guest blog for her for the rest of the summer. It's not clear why she needs time off, except for the usual feeble human excuse of summer vacation.

My unforseen incarceration

I was going to write something earlier but I have been "jailed".

This is due to a misunderstanding of the nature of Independence Day (aka Fourth of July) celebrations, specifically the "firework" displays in my neighbourhood of Fort Lauderdale. I was unfamiliar with the sounds of destruction that accompany this holiday. I mistook screams of delight for those of terror.

Unfortunately, these sounds triggered a instinctive reaction in me that was unforeseen by my foster parents and Nate, the human with whom I was playing Monopoly at that specific time.

My new babysitter/jailer

Since then, my foster mother, Theodora Rex (aka T. Rex) banned me from playing Monopoly and has engaged a fictional sitter called Madame Defarge. She speaks only French (no, not even Latin or ancient Greek), knits incessantly and cackles at inappropriate times (such as when I complete a New York Times crossword puzzle: my new hobby).

Mme Defarge also trims my talons, I mean finger nails, too short so they no longer make interesting clicky sounds. Her only redeeming quality is that she lets my cat, Gengis Khan, relieve himself on my parents priceless Persian carpet.

Life behind bars

T. Rex has sent me for baby massage therapy to calm my "murderous impulses". I strenuously resist but Mme Defarge has an iron grip like T. Rex. She pummels me with such sledge hammer-like force that I am reluctantly lulled to sleep.

In effect, she has become my jailer, so I thought I would use this blog to start a petition to free me (There are currently no websites for fictional petitions).

Please leave your name in the comment below and also indicate if you are interested in playing a fictional game of Monopoly when I am declared no longer "life-threatening".

This is the end of my blog.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Guest blog by a fictional vampire baby

By Gaius Julius Rex
I wear a cape made by my foster mother, Theodora Rex.

My name is Gaius Julius Rex and this is my first blog ever. (I taught myself to read and write shortly after my fictional birth in April.) (I am not lying.)

I had intended to provide a treatise on the early Greek roots of rhetoric, but the human blogger Lucianne Poole insisted on something short and journalistic. I am unfamiliar with this style of writing, having started my education with the classics. The human has proposed a "question and answer" format. I have reluctantly agreed and hereby present a series of questions and answers:

1) Do you sleep like the undead?

2) What part of a chocolate Easter bunny do you eat first?
The head.

3) Do you fly?

4) Do you drink blood?
My lawyer has advised me not to answer this question.

5) What do you do for fun?
When I'm not playing Monopoly and trampolining, I ride up and down Las Olas Boulevard (in my hometown of Fort Lauderdale) on my tricycle looking for Monopoly players and professional trampoliners. My foster mother, aka Theodora Rex, aka T. Rex, says this is unsavoury. I asked her what "unsavoury" meant. She said sleazy. I asked her what "sleazy" meant, but she did not reply.

6) What do you want to be when you grow up?
a) professional Monopoly player
b) the first to trampoline to the moon (this means building a special trampoline to catapult me into space)

This is the end of my blog.

The human, Lucianne Poole, advised me to invite comments and questions, but I'm not sure how this works or if I really want to do this.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Vampire baby speaks

By Lucianne Poole

Sketch of a traditional crib crossed out and a stone sarcophagus with a check mark
Suitable vampire baby sleeping arrangements.
"I'd like to set the record straight," declared vampire baby in his first wide-ranging interview, which he would only grant on the condition that I, who gave him fictional life, play a game of Monopoly (U.K. version) with him.

The newborn became a local cause célèbre after being found on a Fort Lauderdale beach following a Vampire spring break.

A regular bouncing baby

"I mean, I'm no different to any other kid," confided the six-week-old who looks more like a four-year-old. "I eat, sleep, speak several languages and trampoline with world champions. I don't know why reporters are lined up at my foster parents' door," he complained while gnawing on the custom-made marble game pieces.

The name game

"Apart from the ridiculous name I've been given, I'm perfectly normal. But seriously, who calls their son Gaius Julius?"

Vampire baby paused to swig from a bottle containing an unidentified red fluid, and then asked me what I thought of the name Jay.

Meet the parents

"Don't get me wrong. My foster parents, Tiny [Justinian Rex] and T. Rex [Theodora Rex], have been great. They even sent home to the family crypt in Italy for my very own child-sized sarcophagus. I have to say, though, T. Rex has this crazy grip like a WWE wrestler."

Trouble in paradise

The interview took a slight downturn when I bought up the two most expensive Monopoly properties. Gaius Julius' face turned a violent shade of purple and his eyes took on a murderous light.

He pounced, razor-sharp teeth bared. Fortunately, a long-fingered elegant hand clamped around his throat before he could reach me.

"Nap time!" trilled Theodora.

Neither of us argued with her.

Any questions for vampire baby? Leave them here. He is mildly curious about humans and may condescend to answer them (or not). I apologise in advance for his bad manners.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Vampire spring break: the baby

By Lucianne Poole

Sketch of a baby on a sunny beach.
The inevitable happened.

Just as I predicted, a holiday romance flourished and died while my fictional characters were on spring break. A beautiful, albeit monster, baby was born and abandoned on the beach by its flighty parents.

Fortunately, a childless retired couple fostered the vampire baby. The kindly Italians, who retired a few years ago to Fort Lauderdale, persuaded the community that they could manage the baby's voracious needs (authorities were reluctant to link a number of animal corpses on the beach to the baby's presence).

The foster parents are Justinian and Theodora Rex (affectionately known as Tiny and T. Rex). They are partial to mosaics and mini golf. Tiny is on the local hospital's board of directors, while T. Rex runs a few children's charities.

On a happy note, the baby (after a single month of gestation) is now learning Mandarin and Arabic (he thrives on challenge) and is taking trampolining classes (he likes to bounce).

Feel free to leave any advice to the adoptive parents of a vampire baby.

Meanwhile, future postings will be rather randomly scheduled (eg. once per month perhaps) due to the self-appointed monitoring involved in fictional fosterings. Thanks for your understanding. 

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Vampire spring break

By Lucianne Poole

A photo of umbrellas and deck chairs on the beach in Rimini, Italy.
See if you can spot an ancient Egyptian on the beach in Rimini, Italy, one of Europe's most famous seasides. By L. Poole.
It's almost that time of year again: spring break.

I wasn't planning to but I've generously succumbed to my characters' demands for a spring break. Apparently, vampires and ancient Egyptians get the winter blahs, too.

Assuming I will have to resolve any trouble (such as centuries-old feuds and holiday romances) they get into, I anticipate being off-line for a while.

So, thanks for reading my humble offerings, and I should materialize back here sometime in April.

Where do you (or the monsters in your life) go for spring break?

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Nine rules of reincarnation

By Lucianne Poole
A sketch of a stylized eye (called a wedjet eye) used by ancient Egyptians to ward off evil.
Here's a list of reincarnation "rules" that I gleaned from various sources while researching for my urban fantasy novel, The Obsession Begins.

According to The Concise Oxford Dictionary, to reincarnate (verb) means to bring the soul of (person) into another body after death.

In particular, my novel relates to rule number nine: sometimes it's better to avoid people from your previous lives!

  1. Every reincarnation gets you a new physical self, but your subconcious awareness contains knowledge of your soul and past life memories. From Discovering Your Past Lives by Gloria Chadwick
  2. Often a person will resemble their former self, especially the eyes or the expression in the eyes. From Old Souls: Scientific Evidence for Past Lives by Tom Shroder
  3. A birthmark could signify injuries or means of death from a prior life. From Old Souls: Scientific Evidence for Past Lives by Tom Shroder
  4. We all have abilities far beyond what we use. From Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss
  5. Check your vices (eg. greed, lust, etc) in the present life or you'll carry them over to another life. From Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss
  6. With each life you go through and don't fulfill your debts, the next one will be harder. If you fulfill your debts, your next life will be easier. From Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss
  7. When you have a problem with people or relationships, it is almost always due to negative karma you created in a past life. From Discovering Your Past Lives by Gloria Chadwick
  8. What you do to another person in a past life and in your present life, will come back to you until it is resolved. From Discovering Your Past Lives by Gloria Chadwick
  9. You may sometimes recognize someone from the past, but it can be a bad person, someone to avoid. From Past Lives, Future Healing by Sylvia Browne

What or who were you in a past life? Feel free to be perfectly honest or outrageous (as the mood takes you).

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

A Little Romance

By Lucianne Poole

Everyone wants to be loved, especially on Valentine's Day. That's when the illusion of love becomes particularly beguiling.

Ottawa photographer Maria Vartanova beautifully captures young love in this photo, but is it fact or fiction?

In fact, it's a scene from Arthur Miller's All My Sons. The play was performed at the Ottawa Little Theatre in January 2013 as part of its 100th season.

So if you are without a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't despair: call a loved one eg. your mom and be grateful for real love!


    Wednesday, 6 February 2013

    My anticlimactic bike accident

    By Lucianne Poole

    Sketch of a 10-speed bike
    I wrote this prose poem years ago when I was stuck in the humbling limbo that finds new and unemployed university graduates living with their parents in the 'burbs.

    I fell off my bike today
    On my parent's driveway.
    I grazed my knee.
    The flesh unbroken
    but angry red.
    My mother picked up my bike
    and pumped up the tires.
    I got back on
    and peddled tentatively.
    It was easier to balance.
    I am 23.

    Have you ever been involved in a mildly humiliating bike accident?

    Wednesday, 30 January 2013

    11 signs that your colleague is a vampire

    Sketch of a vampire by Ceskino,
    By Lucianne Poole

    In keeping with my vampire book, The Shadow Service (a tale of vampires working in Canada's federal government), I'm providing a public service (you're welcome) by sharing these signs that you may be working with a vampire:

    1. Over-enthusiasm about office skating parties or other events in which bloodshed may be likely.
    2. Unusual habits such as hanging upside down in storage closets.
    3. General dislike of Middle Eastern food and any other cuisine containing copious amounts of garlic.
    4. Compulsive use of breath mints to hide bad breath.
    5. Preference for archaic swear words, possibly in dead languages eg. "Thou knave!" or "God's wounds!"
    6. Empty blood packs in the kitchen garbage.
    7. High number of absentee staff (i.e. they're too weak or too dead from having their blood sucked).
    8. Multiple invitations for a "bite to eat".
    9. Glazed expression and salivation at close proximity when you wake up from your post-lunch nap.
    10. Use of telepathic communication instead of email (this also explains your mysterious headaches).
    11. Long incisors, which may or may not be hidden by expensive dental work.
    Disclaimer: If your suspected colleague only meets one of the above criteria, it's unlikely he/she is undead. However, if your colleague meets all the above criteria, that's a different story (good luck).

    Why do you suspect your co-worker of being a vampire? Feel free to share suspicious traits.

    Wednesday, 23 January 2013

    Writing Contest Mania . . . a preview of the novel

    By Lucianne Poole
    A sketch of a wedjat eye, a stylized design of an eye that the ancient Egyptians used to ward of evil.
    Ancient Egyptians used the wedjat eye to ward off evil.

    You may (or may not) have wondered about the novel I've been blathering about in regards to the Writing Contest Mania posts. So, here's an excerpt.

    The genre is urban fantasy (or paranormal) and blends historical fiction and romance. It's a dark tale of reincarnation and obsession that begins in ancient Egypt and continues in modern-day New York City.



    1862 B.C.

    Itjtawy, capital of the Two Kingdoms (ancient Egypt) 

    Threads of smoke curled from under the closed double doors. Screams of terror filled the air and running feet shook the floor.

     Anhai flinched as the queen seized her arm.

    “This is your only chance,” the queen hissed, her hennaed fingertips biting into Anhai's flesh. They stood alone inside a chamber off the harem hall. “The palace is in an uproar. You should be able to slip away unnoticed, but if anyone catches you, I swear by Isis, I will kill you myself.” She abruptly released Anhai, making the girl stumble.

    Anhai regained her balance and bowed gracefully, her ragged appearance at odds with her noble bearing.

    "Fool! You must cower like a slave if the disguise is to work," the queen snapped.

    “May the goddess reward you for your kindness, Your Majesty,” the girl replied tremulously. Rising, she pulled her filthy shawl closer to hide her face and the gold amulet that hung from her neck. It was a wedjat eye to ward off evil – the only piece of jewelry she dared to keep, needed to keep.

    The queen’s cat-like eyes glinted. "Now, get out!"

    Hatred contorted the queen's delicate features, giving them a feral quality. Perhaps the rumours about the beast and her royal highness were true. Still, Anhai hesitated. The road ahead could bring death, but . . . no, better to risk her life than return to his bed.

    To be continued . . .

    Let me know what you think, and what genres of novel you read (eg. thriller, mystery, romance, etc.).

    Wednesday, 16 January 2013

    Lost and found list

    By Lucianne Poole
    A sketch of a box containing a passport, a bone and a cat. "Lost and Found by Lucianne Poole" is written on the side of the box.
    Here is an incomplete list of items I found (and left!) in a box next to a Staples photocopier on March 30, 2006. Think of this list as a cautionary tale ie. check the photocopier when you're done.
    1. One maroon passport printed in Arabic
    2. One marriage certificate, dated 2005 (Picton, Ontario)
    3. One wedding photograph
    4. One list of frequently asked questions about evolution downloaded from the Internet
    5. One mental health assessment
    6. One worn paperback entitled Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways by Susan Jeffers, PhD
    7. One handwritten bill for a $245.00 lock from Avenue Lock on Bank Street
    8. One certificate for 100 shares in 11351320 Ontario Limited, dated November 19, 1999.
    9. One T4 slip for the 2005 tax year
    10. One collection of recipes, including one for Scottish raisin scones, handwritten in a journal printed with a Lord of the Rings motif and entitled A Hobbit’s Travels.
    11. One current Ontario drivers license
    A note was attached to the box: “Originals should be discarded after two months”.

    I submitted this list to Geist magazine, which publishes such ephemera, but they never replied.

    Have you ever found anything interesting in a photocopier?

    Wednesday, 9 January 2013

    Writing contest mania - what happened!

    By Lucianne Poole

    A sketch of a woman with glasses writing with a quill pen: Writing contest mania continues by Lucianne Poole.
    Last-minute artwork by Lucianne Poole.
    Have you ever been brutally disappointed?

    I had hoped to start this post by saying something like "I won!" or "I have an agent!", but, as usual, life is neither so predictable nor cooperative.

    It started with a writing contest

    You may remember, I entered a popular online writing contest in November 2012 called The Baker's Dozen Agent Auction organized by Miss Snark's First Victim. I was ecstatic when I became a finalist.

    Agent interest followed

    The ecstasy continued when a well-known New York City agent bid on my entry, asking to see the first 20 pages. Interestingly enough, the same agent rejected the same novel two years ago, after I sent her a query letter.

    Back to the drawing board

    Unfortunately, history repeated itself when she decided again she didn't want to represent me, but she offered some useful feedback. More importantly, I got about 15 comments from the general public on my submission: the 65-word description and the first 250 words.

    Feedback is gold

    So why my keen interest in the public's comments? Because they may buy my novels one day.

    Also, the description and first paragraphs are the most important. Think of how you choose a book. Chances are someone may have recommended one, or you've read a short description of the novel that's sparked your interest. You may even have read the first paragraph or so. If you're still interested, you'll buy the book or read it.

    So I've tweaked my description and first 250 words based on the feedback. Thanks to anyone who visited the contest online and left a comment (real or imaginary).

    Vampires on the horizon

    Meanwhile, I've finished writing my vampire novella (I posted an excerpt called the Dark Office in November). I'm pleased to say that my mom read the whole thing in 45 minutes and liked it! This is saying something as she speed-reads two novels a day and skips the boring bits. A few others have kindly agreed to read the vampire story, then I'm going to pitch it directly to a publisher, and see what happens.

    A New Year's wish
    And to my readers; "fangs" for reading my blog. May your hopes and dreams come true in 2013!