Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Guest blog by a fictional vampire baby

By Gaius Julius Rex
I wear a cape made by my foster mother, Theodora Rex.

My name is Gaius Julius Rex and this is my first blog ever. (I taught myself to read and write shortly after my fictional birth in April.) (I am not lying.)

I had intended to provide a treatise on the early Greek roots of rhetoric, but the human blogger Lucianne Poole insisted on something short and journalistic. I am unfamiliar with this style of writing, having started my education with the classics. The human has proposed a "question and answer" format. I have reluctantly agreed and hereby present a series of questions and answers:

1) Do you sleep like the undead?

2) What part of a chocolate Easter bunny do you eat first?
The head.

3) Do you fly?

4) Do you drink blood?
My lawyer has advised me not to answer this question.

5) What do you do for fun?
When I'm not playing Monopoly and trampolining, I ride up and down Las Olas Boulevard (in my hometown of Fort Lauderdale) on my tricycle looking for Monopoly players and professional trampoliners. My foster mother, aka Theodora Rex, aka T. Rex, says this is unsavoury. I asked her what "unsavoury" meant. She said sleazy. I asked her what "sleazy" meant, but she did not reply.

6) What do you want to be when you grow up?
a) professional Monopoly player
b) the first to trampoline to the moon (this means building a special trampoline to catapult me into space)

This is the end of my blog.

The human, Lucianne Poole, advised me to invite comments and questions, but I'm not sure how this works or if I really want to do this.


  1. "That's why the baby is a vamp(ire)..."

    ...with apologies to Frank Sinatra.

  2. Dear Mr. Coyote,
    Since you are no ordinary canine given your superior language skills, I have decided to respond to your comment. Your message eludes me but I can only deduce that "Frank Sinatra" is the alpha of your pack and you have sent me some sort of coded message. I thank you but I am really only interested in whether you a)trampoline b) play Monopoly.
    Respectfully Yours,
    Gaius Julius

  3. Sir, I am indeed no ordinary canine.

    However, I eschew trampolines and board games in favour of cats and bunnies. I suspect that the unmentionable reasons for this predilection may not be unrelated to your own bent for professional trampoliners and Monopoly players... but I could be wrong.

    I expect that down the road, after you enter your hipster vampire baby stage, you may gain an appreciation of Frank Sinatra and the Bat, ummmm, Rat Pack. But I could be wrong about that, too.