Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Guest blog by fictional vampire baby: the search begins

By Gaius Julius Rex

A sketch of a vampire baby riding a tricycle next to a cat.
Dear human readers and fellow supernatural beings,

The human blogger, Lucianne Poole, has asked me to continue with my posts. Apparently, millions of readers follow my posts avidly, so I graciously agreed to prop up her feeble human blog for a bit longer. (She has also promised me a role in her next novel).

Free at last
I thank the thousands of you who signed my petition to release me from the clutches of my fictional jailer, Madame Defarge. (FYI my petition was fictional, which explains why you will never find any names.)

Thankfully, my foster mom, T. Rex, was persuaded that I did not need said babysitter, and she got Madame a job as a greeter at a chain store.

Silver linings
Once freed, I naturally turned to a project that was occupying my thoughts while I was in the "slammer". You will never guess, human reader, what this project is so I will tell you. I was inspired by Madame's favourite TV show, Who do you think you are, to track down my birth mother.

Of course, I assume my birth mother is a) a world-champion trampoliner b) an outstanding Monopoly player.

So I jumped on my tricycle (my faithful cat Gengis Khan at my side) and raced up and down the sidewalk on Las Olas Boulevard. I asked everyone whom we  hit/knocked down if they knew my mother.

All I got was:
  • a $5 bill;
  • a pamphlet about Latter Day Saints, and
  • two lectures about: a) leashing cats  b) staying away from drugs. The last lecture was inappropriate as I was only born this year during vampire spring break.
Not a cry for help
If you have ever searched for your vampire mother after she abandoned you on a beach, please share your advice and lessons learned. I eagerly await your reply.

This is the end of my blog.

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